Like a Baby Boss

It's fair to say that life in Asian countries has become the norm for me. Things that I often raised an eyebrow at in my early days barely warrant a mention now. Though occasionally, something so brilliant is brought to my notice that I just have to write about it. Baby Boss is my greatest find. This is exactly what I've been waiting for all these years, something that so harmoniously fits with the Asian culture and attitudes, it nearly popped my head right off.

I first heard about Baby Boss from one of my Kindergarten students who eagerly showed me his 'Baby Boss' dollars. My first assumption when I saw them was 'This looks fun! Like a Disney Land sort of deal.' I asked him if it was indeed like Disney Land and he agreed, but not that enthusiastically. Because it's not like Disney Land. Not at all. If anything it's more of a Communist Universal Studios. What Baby Boss does is simulate jobs for kids. It's a big playground city where they can take on various roles and essentially see what it's like to be an adult. Great, eh? And although it does offer some cool positions, like Fireman or Astronaut (which is what I want to be when I grow up), the bulk of what is on offer isn't so hot- Gas Station Attendant, Convenience Store Clerk and Cleaner, for starters. Way to set realistic goals, people.

The mind boggles at the possibilities and the dynamics that have to be at work in that place. I've never been, but I have to imagine that some parents must insist that their child only try roles like Doctor or Dentist, while more realistic parents just let their son spend all day as a Miner- 'Well... he prefers the dark.'

But it fits, so perfectly. The drive to have productive, society ready children is a major one and it makes sense that many Asian parents would want to start early. Let's make ourselves some nice little workers before their brains have fully developed- get that work ethic right in there. I know, I am being cynical, and I'm sure it's more than a little fun, but there's a sinister overtone to the whole thing. I'm quite sure that behind the screen of these fun activities, the idea to condition kids to get used to work at a young age is there. That seems a little messed up to me. Though in all likelihood, that's just the normal reaction of someone who hails from the increasingly work-shy western world.

And it's certainly not all bad. A lot of Baby Boss's jobs do sound fun, even the dubious ones like beautician, model and 'celebrity'. And hey, this attitude certainly seems to work. I'm still blown away by how efficient people are over here and how quickly things get done. We could definitely learn a thing or two. Really, this whole thing boils down to jealousy, I guess. I just desperately want to take part in the whole Baby Boss experience. It's just tough to decide what I'd be. Model and Celebrity are obvious fits of course, but I think I'd go with Crane Operator. Another dream to check off the list.

Chinese Learnin'

I've spent, much to my disgust, a great deal of time looking at the English language in the past few years and if I've come to any real conclusion, it's this- it is a horrible, lumbering pig of a language. Be grateful that it's the language that most of you have grown up with. Learning it from scratch is no picnic. The whole thing is full of quirks and exceptions making grasping even the basics a complete nightmare for non English speakers. And then they have the added problem of having a teacher like me...

But I digress...Chinese, when compared to English, is brilliant. Well, so far at least. Structurally, it just makes sense and putting together sentences is logical and sensible. As is the way they build words. From a base word like 'teach', you can add another sound and access the whole gamut of education related words. It makes understanding through leaps in logic actually worthwhile- you'll often hit upon the right meaning or structure.

It's not entirely rosy however. Chinese is a tonal language. And if you're asking what a tonal language is, welcome to my club. Well my old club anyway. What it basically means is that certain sounds can be pronounced in one of four (or five) ways and have very different meanings. Which is tough for someone who has never really had to think like that. If I say 'APPLE', 'AppLE' or 'APple' you'd all know I'm talking about a piece of fruit. It's not the case with Chinese. Plus the vocal gymnastics required in changing tones within a sentence is straining my tongue in terrible ways. Both straining AND training, ladies (Sorry Carol).

Keep in mind all of this is from someone just starting out with Chinese and I may face other more horrifying roadblocks as I continue down this path. So look out for the second part where I bemoan how tough it is. Still, it's very satisfying learning a new language and slowly starting to understand more of what I hear out in the world. I think I always knew it would be, I'm just glad I'm finally making a real go of it. Anyway, go learn a language, I highly recommend it. It sure beats speaking English in an increasingly loud voice when those foreigners don't understand you, right?

Taiwanese Animated News

I've been lax in posting about Taiwan recently, so with that in mind I present a video spectacular blog entry. Not any of my own work, of course, but a primer in the news sensation that is Next Media's animated news reports. Delivering news to you in 1-2 min long animated truth bullets. Not hard hitting serious journalism, perhaps, but they don't pull any punches either. Here are a few of my favourite stories-

Ah, the Spider-man musical. I don't know what the awareness levels of this epic disaster in the making are back home, but it's something I've been following with an evil relish (which is amazing on hot dogs). Featuring music by professional shitehawks, Bono and the Edge, this 65 million dollar (!) musical just goes from one disaster to another. This video not only sums up the problems the production has had but also nails it savagely. The best bit is when a doctor uses a defibrillator on the script. Burn!

I'm assuming that somebody involved in making these is from the UK, with the Grange Hill reference, but this is another big story that is excellently summed up in just under 1 minute 30, mostly by making all the key politicians involved look like a pack of tools. I especially like Gordon Brown defusing the time bomb and the guy throwing darts at Nick Clegg.

Finally, good old Masheen, doing what he does best. Getting naked, trashing hotel rooms and threatening to kill hookers. All while on holiday with his family. Truly, this is the Hollywood life I dream of.

There are many more videos and most of them are worth checking out, but they can be hard to find with an English translation. Still, the video of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates cast as Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader respectively is pretty self explanatory. I like it when Steve steals Bills Darth Vader helmet. Oh, how true it is!

Rough Riders

As you may or may not know, I have recently joined the pantheon of great bikers. My name can now sit easily beside those of James Dean, Marlon Brando, Dog the Bounty Hunter, that bellend Paul from American Chopper and of course Tim Allen, William H Macy, John Travolta and Martin Lawrence. Not a dud in the group. Every one a great man.

It's not all fun and games though, riding about town with the boyz, wearing leather jackets and just generally being cool like in Wild Hogs. It's a goddamn death race out there on the mean streets of Taipei. I know crazy driving too. I've been in Korea. The very country where when a taxi driver takes you on a short cut in a back alley, he doesn't slow down or anything like that. God no, what would be the point? Instead he drives just as fast but holds his hand directly over the horn in order to more quickly warn people of their imminent death. Taiwanese drivers spit on this sort of kindness. 'Warning people? What a bunch of faggots.' the Taiwanese taxi driver would say. Or what the cackling, evil taxi driver in my minds eye says anyway. And he's been right about most of the things he's told me.

I'd say most Taiwanese drivers wouldn't actually know where the indicator was on their cars or bikes. They just have no use for it. Accelerator, brake (rarely), car horn and hazard lights are the main tools of the job. Honestly, I think I see hazard lights used just as often if not more than indicators over here. They're used in one of two ways. Firstly, the 'I'm WAY too lazy to actually find a parking space' use. This takes the form of a car being abandoned, normally in the most inconvenient place possible for everyone else. Bus stops, bridges, fire stations. Places the inconsiderate government hasn't built parking spaces, the pricks. And when you need a packet of cigarettes or to sit down for half an hour to talk shit and eat some food, what kind of jerk walks for five minutes to get to the shop/restaurant? That's what cars are for, bro! So simply fire on the hazard lights, stop and boom. You have parked my friend.

Secondly, and my favourite use, is the 'I'm driving and using hazard lights' way. What this broadly seems to mean is that the person driving the car is a borderline psychopath and wants you to know it. The hazard lights in this case say 'I am a MENTAL and will drive accordingly.' I guess its nice that they let us know, at least. You learn to be grateful for these things.

Anyway, this is a small slice of the madness I have to deal with on my 30 minute commute into work on my mean machine. I drive fast, but safetly, I think. You may feel that those two things are not mutually compatible, but seeing the way others drive I'd have to disagree. Having said that, I think that getting into some mayhem on the roads over here is a matter or when not if. Another excellent reason for quitting my job! It's either that or go splat against the side of a bus, taxi or one of the other assorted auto mobiles that fill the roads in the mornings. You know, so long as I can take a BMW driver down with me, it might be a pretty good way to go.