Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Diplomatic Immunity

The worst bit about arriving in another country is that as soon as you land you've got to stand in a big damn queue for immigration. I'm not the worlds most patient person, and when I'm tired and smelly, even less so. It's a cruel thing to do to people. Obviously, you've got to be careful with the whole terrorism thing and blah de blah, but do I look like a terrorist? More to say, do I still look like a terrorist, with my new streamlined look? If you'll allow me to so gratuitously abuse the definition of the word 'streamlined'.

My passport photo doesn't exactly do a great job of detailing my non-terrorist qualities with the 'look' I seem to be going for in it, so I have to reluctantly stand there, waiting my turn. So, like any normal person I pass the time casually looking over shoulders in the immigration queue at other peoples passport photos and, of course, judging them. Everyone of the photos, certainly with all the asian folks at least, was amazing. Each of them was like an actors head shot. You know, like the kind I send instead of a CV, with the words 'That's right. You are seeing this.' written on back. No email of course- I figure once they see the photo they'll make the effort to track me down.

But I digress- 'Don't smile' they tell you back home in the instructions for the photos required for passport, driving license etc, etc and I dutifully oblige. So why the hell can they get away with it over here? They photoshop their passport photos. They smile and fucking glow for that matter. These are the photos they use for their legal documents! They usually bear a passing resemblance to the owner at best. Which is probably the only thing they have in common with my photos, only on the reaction scale I'm more on the 'Jesus CHRIST.' end of things as opposed to their 'Why, hello there'.

What fresh madness is this? Also- how do I get in on the action? Like I really needed more evidence to convince me to defect to the Asian cause. Yes, it's official, I'm removing the 'Cauc' from my Caucasian. I'm a race traitor and proud. My application form is in, I just have to pass a few tests- advanced chop stick skillz, beating Street Fighter 2 on hard and doing a whole mess of math problems. I am so in.


  1. I've found you can smile ever-so-slightly in these photos and get away with it. A small hint of a smile and a gleam in the eye. It gives you a mildly-aroused serial killer look but it can be done.

  2. Finish Street Fighter 2? Aren't you the same guy who lost at Tekken to a girl? Most dishonourable.

  3. What the hell? You vanish for months and this is all I get? More! You ungrateful bastard.

    Oh, and how well did you take losing at Tekken to a girl? As well as when you lost at Mutant League Hockey?

  4. What a totally ridiculous picture. No one would have a Canadian sticker as a keepsake on their luggage. That being said I hate the fact that I have never been able to beat you in Mario Kart.