Sunday, 26 December 2010

Taiwanese eye for the Western guy

When first arriving in Taiwan, I wanted to do my best to fit in. Obviously this meant dressing like the locals- flowing silken robes, bobbled slippers, long fingernails and a Fu Manchu moustache. Guess what? Turned out that my outfit was racist! I know! I suppose that'll teach me to watch just the one movie about China as research. Lesson learned- Don't trust Hollywood, kids.

So it was back to the drawing board. I guess I can't try the Asian look again, because I'm not Asian (yet) so I felt the next best thing was to look at how Asians see western people and conform as best I could. With this in mind, I set out on the streets with my trusty(i.e. old) camera and took a few pictures to see how westerners are represented over here, in the hope that I could find a new look that would straddle the barrier between the East and West.

Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell! I hope I can look like these guys when I grow up. Sweet shirts, ties, glasses phones... And that's without even mentioning the hair. This photo just works for me on so many levels. So, an incredible suit and a magnificent tie was definitely the first thing to get. A good start.

Now, this is EXACTLY where I've been going wrong. When I look at people and smile I try to be genuinely friendly. I want people to know this and feel comfortable, if at all possible. Oh, you foolish boy. What this photo shows me is that to fit in, I need to grow the moustache of a Spanish paedophile and smile like a smug, disingenuous prick. I've been so wrong for all these years. To be honest I think this information is gold in or out of Taiwan. I hope you're all taking notes.

Cinema Secrets is the place that's really changed the game though. The shop tweaks the curtain back and ushers us in, showing how all of our favourite sexy celebrities pull off their fantastic looks. Let's just spend some time looking at the hip, young styles they offer.

Barbra Streisand- What can you say about Babs that hasn't already been said? Sexy. Modern. Cool. Down with the kids. I agree with none of those things, but maybe someone does. I'm trying to appeal to a larger audience here, so bear with me. I don't think her look really applies that much to me anyway, so I'll move on.

Captain Kirk and Mr Spock- Yep. If you're talking sexy, you don't get much better than Captain Kirk. Spock's got the eye-liner thing going on, but Kirk definitely takes it.

The cast of Planet of the Apes- Now, ask 1 in 10 young people what celebrity look they'd like to emulate, at least five of them are going to say 'Cornelius from Planet of the Apes', right? BOOM. Cinema Secrets has you covered.

The Golden Girls- I know you've been feeling left out so far ladies (Mainly cause this whole exercise is all about my new look! You are so selfish sometimes!) but here we arrive at what I think is the epitome of hot, fashionable, relevant women. Finally you have the answer to the question that's been burning inside of you for so long- 'Where can I go when I want to look like Bea Arthur?'

Sally Field- Sure, why not.

As you can see, deciding which look to go for was going to be tough with this awesome selection. Mulling over my choices, I went into Cinema Secrets and asked for the 'Captain Kirk'. Though a Planet of the Apes was tempting. Another important step in the road to a new me.

Right- I have my outfit, my facial expressions and my make up all sorted. That just leaves the most important step. My hair. And where better to go, than Phil Salon. In case you're wondering, Phil Salon is a man. A man with a dream. A dream of quality hairdressing. He cut my hair like a fiend. Ok, just for full disclosure, the only reason I put this up here is because the name Phil Salon amuses me so much and I had nowhere else to put it. It totally works here though, right? Right?

Which brings us to the new me. The all new besuited, make up wearing, hair styled wonder and all the while, smiling like a complete prick. Let me tell you, it has went down a smash so far. It probably helps that I'm getting my girlfriend to wear a Betty White mask, mind. Which is, by the way, VERY hot.


  1. so where's the photo with you in your snazy new look?

  2. oh yea, your the spanish paedo :)